just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
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Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
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The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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