I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
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