I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
