I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
Randomize
