mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
