she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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