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My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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