I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Randomize
