I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
