I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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