She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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