My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
