In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Randomize
