dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Sorry my hands just texted you
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
