either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
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I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I need a burrito and a hug.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
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Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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