My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
