I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
We have so much sex to catch up on
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
