I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
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I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
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