Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
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