Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
