I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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