Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
pray to the hookup gods
Randomize
