don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
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