Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
