last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
