Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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