I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
