Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Randomize
