Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I met the friendliest cop last night
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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