Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
