We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying