Betty ford says i'm here all night
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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