To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize