and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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