I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
