Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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