It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
