The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
