i don't like sucking hair
She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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