after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Randomize
