Are we in a gay sports bar?
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I'm getting married
To pizza
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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