How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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