thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
