Say something about gay babies.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
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I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
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Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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