I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
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He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
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The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
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