While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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