wat bout pragnant strippers??
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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