im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
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she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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