does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
