And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
We left the knife in your bed.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
