did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
