I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
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