A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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