You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
