Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
Randomize
