Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Randomize
