Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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