Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
25 Shocking High School Scandals You Won’t Believe Are True
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I have fence marks all over my body
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.